I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
