I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
