When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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