I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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