i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
