I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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