Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
