I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
