So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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