His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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