So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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