Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
