My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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