Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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