I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
