I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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