it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
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She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
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I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize