Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
