I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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