something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
