i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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