I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
