I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
