the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
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I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
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The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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