So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
