If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
