I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
