When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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