Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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