i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
