He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
