I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
