I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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