I hate all girls vehemently.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
