Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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