life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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