I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
