How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
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