True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I AM VODKA MAN
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
