Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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