Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
