I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
