you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
