I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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