i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
