If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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