Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
