I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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