Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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