every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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