not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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