I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
