I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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