just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
