you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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