My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
