stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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