Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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