he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i will never coherently bang her
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
