So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
