Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We are two peas in an std pod
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
